The first notebook entry
I ran hard again this week. The harness hitched behind my head, and with such eagerness you brought your whip down on both my flanks. Has a person no mercy at all? I already know where I’m headed — so what is this haste? Five minutes early, ten minutes late — haven’t I reached everything I had to reach, all this while? …….. Or have I not reached enough? Have I failed to make happy the ones who were waiting? Clearly I have — why else would you keep driving me on at a gallop!
Do you remember the lakeside where, the other day, we halted in bewilderment? The silhouettes we saw when we looked into the water but could not recognize. How the corners of my eyes have creased! Do you think they will ever smooth out again? Nn-nh. They won’t! And have you ever once understood why you drive me so — have you thought about it, even a little? As though we’d fall the moment we slowed down? As though, if we paused a while, we’d never be able to run again? You forgot, just like that, that life is sometimes falling silent and sometimes speaking, sometimes sitting and sometimes rising, sometimes cooling and sometimes warming! There by the lake, gazing at the water — watching each wave tickle my face, each ripple send a shiver through me, each breath of wind graze my ear, as I came to realize that I am myself — was it not worth more than so very many of the moments I spent running? If only it could always be like this. If only I could.